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Category: Freewriting

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On My Pride, My Ego, My Ambitions, and Helping Others (Freewrite)

The other day on Facebook, I created a status about haters. I stated if you have them, you’re making moves.  My homegirl, who’s incredibly infamous in her field, and have a lot of haters, replied with “YES I DO LOL!”.  I asked “How can I get more haters fam!” given she’s the expert of gaining them.

 

She followed up with some real shit.

“Do you want my honest opinion?  Your ambition isn’t that high.  You have form, but no clear refinement, or clear purpose, or agenda.  Set the path up for yourself to contribute something worthy of recognition towards society and the haters will come and drove.   Stop practicing your trolling skills online doing nothing.  Instead of trolling to seek hateres, use your social skills to improve people’s lives, and make a positive impact for both their lives, and your own.”

(The last sentence is a paraphrase, but whatever.  The message is still there)

This made me think hard about myself, and my life goals hardcore.

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Ever since I got back from Anime Central, my ego, arrogance levels, and pride, were growing larger.  I managed to  successfully run a room party with my friend (bartending the party), made new contacts, expanded my network, and managed to promote my blog and brand.

My ego was on an all-time high.  I felt unstoppable, and needed to reach higher and yield more results, but just for myself, Nobody else.

Years of being the underdog, belittled, bullied, and people calling you a failure at life because you were in special education for academics weaknesses does that to your ego; make it larger after success.  Sans a handful of people, who I guess saw I had more potential than what I gave myself credit for (growing up with low self-esteem issues is a bitch),  people counted me out, telling me I’ll never be successful.

For years, I just let that shit bottled up inside me, trying to ignore it subconsciously.  However, it manifested itself into pride, and a sort of “revenge mission” against the haters, doubters, and niggas who belittled me.
The breaking point of this was when my brother, who I haven’t talked to a year (due to his own petty bullshit) decided to randomly text me, calling me a failure, a retard, and a loser who’ll never do anything with my life. He went on to compared me to our uncle, who (in my brother words “a fucking failure”) . That shit made me berserk, and made my focus to produce more work.

I wasn’t working to make others enjoy my work.  I was working to feed my ego, and stunt on this family member. I’m gonna admit something; My Sailor Moon S’s analysis  and my analysis on Hitagi’s mental state  were results from my anger towards this family member who was doubting my success (the last two themes  of my Sailor Moon S analysis was rushed just so I could prove a point and prove this man wrong, not because I was passionate)
‘I WILL be successful and I make every last one of ya who counted me out or made me felt bad about myself regret saying all that shit.’

-Benjamin’s Pride.

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My current cover pic on Facebook.  Updated out of pure pride.

When my friend (and another one whom I spoke to in private) to me I could do so much more by helping others with my skills, rather than using them  just feed my ego, and increase haters, it awoken something in me: The drive to help others.

I’ve known and befriended many people over the last seven years of my life.  I can easily help them, and more.

Saw a friend  who was upset with their family fuckin’ with them (not going into details, as that’s their busssiness), and I figure “Well, guess I better put whatever fucking skills I have to good use and help this friend out.”

Besides, I’m so used to dealing with an insecure family member’s petty bullshit.  Let me use my experience with them to help my friend feel better and have a space to get out their anger.  If I can make my friend feel better, and push themselves to prove their family members wrong, then I guess I’m on the right path.

Another friend was having problems letting go the past, being insecure, and confidence issues.  Three fields I’m an expert in! Not going into details (because again, I don’t wanna put their business out there), but I told my friend she need to focus on herself first and foremost.  Find something that she’s proud of that she done, and build confidence off that.  In addition, taught her that it’s normal to have insecurities, but to also work and improve them, so she can be more secure and happy with herself.

When she told me that she was glad she was able to speak to me about those topics, that legit made me happy.  Another friend is feeling better about themselves, because I helped them out.

May I say, happy others really feel good?  Perhaps I really should focus on that skill, and build up my ambitions through helping.

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Rika to Bernkastel (Freewrite)

NOTE: This freewrite is based off memories of my experience with the  When They Cry series (Higurashi and Umineko)  I am too lazy to check if what I said are correct .  I may have some information wrong.

I’ve always enjoy characters that started out as heroes, but grew into villains.  It’s interesting to see what  events have such an impact on them that they decided to say “fuck it”,  evolving into a villain.  Some become villains due to an incident.  Others as a result of losing their hope and giving up on their goals.

I feel like Rika Furude from Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni (When The Cicadas Cry)  is such a heroine-turn-villain by the factors previously mentioned.  Tragic factors that caused the young child to become the sadistic witch, Bernkastel.

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Oh innocent Rika. So full of hope and optimism despite a fucked up life.

Rika had a pretty fucked up life despite being so young.  She’s theorized to be the queen carrier of the Hinamizawa Syndrone (a virus that cause victims to go into a psychiatric rage, increase anxiety, and commit violent homicidal and suicidal acts), her parents are dead, she can’t escape a timeloop that ends with her death,  is an alcoholic at the age of 9, and she also tried to stab Santa Clause to death.

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Seriously she really did try to murder Santa Claus. 

Initially, Rika started out as an optimistic and happy child, She  believed she could prevent the endless June 1983 tragic events.  She wouldn’t give up, no matter how bleak each situation felt.  Even when Hanyuu (her ancestor ghost or  whatever the fuck she is) flat out told her in the Massacre Arc that she and her friends will die, she just simply brush her aside, stating that she will defeat fate.

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Rika in her alcoholic rage.

Of course, Rika failed and Hanyuu was once again right.  Her friends got gun down by Miyo (the series’s true villain, who also had a fucked up childhood) and Rika got gutted by the crazed nurse-turned-terrorist.  Rika was proven wrong once again.  Don’t have hope children or you’ll end up like Rika.

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Keep thinkin’ that kiddo.

After a few oh let’s say hundred years’ worth of  losing and watching her  friends and love ones die , Rika’s mind and views changed. Once a girl full of hope was slowly becoming hopeless. Overtime, she stop caring about fighting against fate and saving her friends.   She became numb and cold.  Emotionless even.

She became Bernkastel, the witch of Miracles; A collection of hopeless Rikas from different worlds and timelines fused into one sadistic being.

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‘Lord, I don’t cry no more
Don’t look to the sky no more
Have mercy on me
Have mercy on my soul
Somewhere my heart turned cold’

“Many Men” by 50 Cent (American rapper)

Bernkastel is one of the main villains of Umineko no Naku Koro ni (When The Seagulls Cry), the spiritual successor to Higurashi (which I’m not gonna go into in-depth details with both series about their relation.  It’s fucking crazy). Simply put, Bernkastel is a piece of shit. She loves fucking with people, playing mind games with them.  She use people for her personal gain.  She’ll act like she’s your friend and ally, only to fuck you over at the end.   Ange Ushiromiya (a girl with her own tragic past and pain) had to learn that shit the hard way.

Boy did she learn the hard way.

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Best Umineko girl

Simply put, Bern doesn’t give a fuck about you.  Only herself.  Maybe her lover Lambdadelta and her teacher Featherine. But that’s it.  Bernkastel is the type of person who has clearly been through some shit. Horrible shit that changed her.  The way she deals with that shit is by passing her own pain upon others to make her feel better about herself.  She wants others to experience the pain she went through from her past.  A past she really hates.

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To conclude this unorganized freewrite, horrible events creates horrible people who started out nice and heroic. Rika was an innocent carefree girl, and yet due to being a victim one too many time, became a horrible corrupted being who had her point of view destroyed.

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ART SOURCES:

Shut the Fuck Up Hanyu:
http://kyousgayart.tumblr.com/post/89109835477/serious-higurashi-fanart

 

Rika and Bernkastel

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=28677576

 

Feature image:
https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=207464

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Queen Beryl or: How (Unrequited) Love Makes People Crazy (Freewrite)

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I wonder, how Queen Beryl could let her love for King Endymion consumed her so much, that she allowed herself to be control by Metalia, and murdered an entire kingdom. Did she felt entitled to his love or something?  I understand love can make you do many a crazy things, and boy did this woman did some crazy ass shit.

Beryl caused a young girl to commit suicide after murdering her family and friends. Not just muderer that girl’s love ones, but she also slaughtered an entire kingdom.  All because she couldn’t get some dick from the dude she was crushing on.

Maybe Endymion and Beryl had a small chat one day and my dude knew she was crazy as fuck, and was like “Nah.”

This woman was a low-level sage who overtime, became corrupted by power and love.  Unrequited love mind you. She legit thought she could let a king fall in love with her commoner ass.

Girl who the fuck you think you are?  Stay in your place.

But forreal, how did her seemly innocent crush evolved into pure jealously and hatred towards Princess Serenity?  Why was she driven to the point of mass murder over love?

“What you won’t do for love” doesn’t mean slaughter an entire population, Beryl.  I’m sure Bobby Caldwell wasn’t on that shit when he wrote that song.

 

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These are the things I think about on my off day, when I make no plans to kick it with the homeboys, and I have nothing better to do but to overthink about fictional Japanese cartoon and comic characters while listening to vaporwave.

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Catcallin’. Why? (Barely edited freewrite)

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As I’m about to sit down at the busstop bench after grocery shopping, a woman asked me a question.  Normally, I’m annoyed by strangers asking me shit while I am minding my own business, but my gut was like “listen to this person”.  She asked me why do men feel the need to catcall and holla at women for sexual favors.  I was thrown off by this question, given I don’t catcall women or try to talk to them for sex (plus you don’t do that in general towards women on some respect shit).  I replied with “people, mainly men, are stupid and ain’t go respect for women.”

She followed up with “I’m from Arkansas and I never had men catcall me and try to offer me for sex down there, but here in St. Louis, I had different dudes asking me for that shit. I don’t sell my body!  I make an honest living. I don’t like this.”  I explain to her that St. Louis folks (for the most part), are ignorant and tend to be on some stupid ass shit for no reason (catcalling is an universal thing yes but I can assume the Southern parts of America are on that respect thing, compared to St. Louis and the Midwest from what Southerners have told me coming up here)

I can’t say I understand her pain because I’m not a woman, and will never experience the bullshit women go through, but at the same time, it upset me that this woman had to deal with this.

I don’t get it.  Why do dudes feel entitled to do goofy ass shit like cat calling towards women? I mean yea, I had holla at a woman with a rather vulgar line (a line I can’t really repeat here) when I was 16 and trying to fit in with the boys,  but  now that I’m a grown ass man, I don’t see the joy of making a woman uncomfortable with tasteless words, yelling with pretty much harassment. At what point when dudes felt entitled to say such fucked up things to women?

  (Regular nerd related posts will return later tonight)

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Taking the First Step (Freewrite)

Taking the first step is scary.  You get nervous, have doubts,  lose confidence, and fears hold you back.  Once you knock those negative feelings aside, you must take a plunge.  You must take that first step.   Nothing will ever happen to you if you don’t move forward. You won’t get anywhere in life that way.

‘You never gone make it if you never rolled a dice
Take the first step, that was Doctor King’s advice’

-Dom Kennedy – Locals Only (2011 hip-hop single)

Things will get easier as you take that step and move forward.  The other day, I took the first steps to forward and invest into my dreams.  I decided to run two ads on my  Facebook page for two recent projects I’m proud of.   The first is my analysis on the Sailor Moon S narrative themes, and my analysis on Bakemonogatari’s Hitagi’s mental health.  Yea, instant success and engagement won’t happen overnight, it’s a long process. A process I must stick with long term if I want long term success.

It’s a risky thing to do; investing money into a Facebook ad in hopes that people will read my writings and spread it around.  But what’s life without taking risks?  What’s life without taking that first step?  If you do not take that risk, that gamble, you’ll never move forward in life.  You’ll never be successful.

I’m gonna move forward.

 

 

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It’s alright.  Take a chance.  You can do anything.

 

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Work/Grind While They Sleep (Freewrite)

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Recently, I came across my new phase; “Work While They Sleep, Grind While They Party”.   To break it down to even simpler terms,  take advantage of your rivals and competition’s  partying and sleeping ways.  Work your ass off while these sleep and party.  Get a head start of the game before the others.

A couple of my posts (such as my Sailor Moon Infinity analysis and my recent analysis of Hitagi Sengahara’s mental health analysis), were done at night, for about 2-5 hours a night.  Other were done at night and the next morning, with me taking a 6-7 hour sleep form between those time, and before I head to work.

I like this phase.  It’s a movation tool to work harder to reach my goals.  Moviation for me to work on my passion so I donot have to work for anyone else in my life.

Yea it sucks to sacrifice nights of partying, and hours of sleep, but I rather spend the nights working on my blog, posts, and learning about the anime industry  I want to make a name out myself.  A legacy even.  .

Don’t get me wrong: partying with yout friends every once-in-a-awhile is cool.  You shouldn’t isolate yourself from the crew.  Sometimes, you need a night to relax and enjoy yourself.  Just don’t makie it an hobby.

Work while they grind.  Learn while they sleep.  It’ll be worth it for your futre.

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Raven’s Meditation: Truth in Fiction (Freeewrite)

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I’m gonna to reveal to you guys how slow I am.

Until recently, I never understood why Raven meditate to control her emotions (and powers). As we know in the show (and comics I assume), her powers are linked to her emotional state. If her emotions go haywire, her powers will get the best of her, pretty much fucking things up.

People with emotional problems such as anger management issues (something I’m sadly an expert in) can control their emotions by meditating; relaxing their mind and body. With the help of mediation, you can calm yourself down (as well as deep breathing, counting slowly to 10, and focusing your anger on something postive, etc).

In short, Raven’s meditation to control herself is an reflection on how there is truth in fiction.  She controls her emotions.  She doesn’t allow her emotions to control her.

But real shit I’m fucking slow lol

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Haters Are Goofy (Barely Edited Freewrite)

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Haters are goofy.

Being in the creative field (and my ever-growing internet popularity), gaining and encountering hate is a natural (but fun) thing.  It’s the order of life , something that will  only end when humanity ends.   As somebody who doesn’t get mad, jealous, or hateful towards successful people, I never got the joy of hating off somebody else’s success or passion.  I find inspiration in those who are doing better than I am.  It just means I need to keep pushing to reach their level.

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A grown ass woman  in her 30s with a 6-digit salary career  about to hate on a 12-year-old kid.  That’s fucking sad.

Recently, I’ve been gaining some hate from both internet niggas, and a member of my own blood family.  Although I’m not (completely) mad at these haters, I find their hate funny.  These fools that are hating on me are doing way better in their lives compared to my own life.  They have careers, wives/girlfriends, their own cars and houses while I’m struggling.

And yet, they take the time out of their own apparently “successful” and “happy” lives to talk down on me.  The family member hater has a newfound hobby of reminding me of my past failures and is belittling me about my current situation. Funny thing, this dude won’t offer me advice or support to get out of this situation (granted this dude had an arrest warrant out for him last year, and he screwed over his roommates  rent money the year before, so take that how you want to)

Guess it’s easier to put down others than to lift them up (a depressing issue in the Black community).

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Their hate got me wondering though: I must be doing something right with my passion and drive to better myself.  The haters don’t like that.  They rather see me be stuck forever, than me to make progress in life.  They fear the fact that one day, I’ll prove their bullshit wrong.

Fear and paranoid is a bitch ha ha ha.  But real shit, haters are goofy.

‘I’m just enjoying my mother fuckin’ life that’s all.  I advise you to do the same.’

Katt Williams

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When you finally stunt on that hater.
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Asian Ghost. White Body. (Freewrite) (MAJOR GitS SPOILERS)

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Matoko: Asian Ghost. Mira: The White Shell.  In the movie, it’s revealed that Mira (or The Major) was in fact, Matoko, before the mind-to-body transfer.  Matoko was an Asian runaway girl who was kidnapped by Hanka units, along with several other runaway children of Japanese  heritage.  After destroying her body, extracting her mind, and injecting it with false memories give her motivation to fight terrorists, Matoko was given the body of that of a white woman.

Prior to that reveal however, Mira runs into an older Asian lady.  The lady welcomes Mira in her house, offering tea.  As the lady and Mira speaks, the lady remarks that Mria’s body language and verbal tones reminds her of her dead daughter, Matoko.  It’s incredibly eerie to the woman.
Hmm…

Anyway, While I’m happy  Matoko wasn’t “white washed” (completely), the scene made me think: Was this all social commentary on the white washing of iconic ethic characters?  You have  Matoko, an Asian woman inside the cybernetic body of a white woman.

Matoko/The Major, an Asian  anime character (we assumed), is portrayed by Scarlett Johansson, an white actress.

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Manga Matoko.  My personal favorite design of The Major.

In a sense, it’s meta. Film Matoko is Asian but why is she in a white body?  Why are iconic anime characters of Japanese descent are being portrayed by  White actors in Hollywood.
It’s probably not that deep or meta.  Hell, perhaps they changed things around to cover up any edvidances of white washing.  Perhaps this was just all apart of the plan.

These were just merely thoughts I played around with at 2 in the morning when I had nothing better to do but to overthink an action film based on a comic book.

 

DISCLAIMER: I’m Black.  Not Asian.  I don’t speak for Asian-Americans, Asians, or all people of color.  White washing is an issue in American films.  I am not okay with it. We all have different views on this shit.
(Gotta get that shit outta the way before people SJWs tumblrinas get mad or 4channers think I’ll support their bullshit I already got people mad at me on Facebook lmfao)

Anime Music Analysis 1

“I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” (Freewrite)

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When you’re reading lyrics to an anime opening theme song and you can’t help but to think that certain lines can relate to your short and long term goals in life.

“I can’t get no satisfaction” struck at me the most and not because of the near perfect English of the singer.

It stuck at me because that’s how I am feeling with my life. I’m not satisfied with it right now. I want to push myself further with my skills, drive, and desires. Reach the next level of my growth rather than being stuck doing the same shit.

You know, I don’t wanna be left behind while everyone advances in life.  I want to push myself beyond my self-doubts and my limits.

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I also love the lines “The doors of possibilities is still locked” and “Oh well, I’ll break through the wall again”. Like fuck trying to unlock that door that’s blocking me from my goals. I rather destroy the wall next to the door and get what I work my ass off for.

Lets break some walls. Lets get some satisfaction for ourselves.

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“The invincible me is waitin’ there.”
-Kiyoshi Hikawa (Limit Break x Survivor)

 

REFERENCES:

Dragon Ball Super OP 2: Limit Break x Survivor

anime 2

Sailor Moon S – Why I Love It (Freewrite)

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Toei’s Sailor Moon: Civil War

Sailor Moon S holds a special place in my heart.  I do not know if it because of the characters, the sci-fi elements of the villains, the story, the art style, or the music.  There was just something about those things  that drew me into the series.  I just deeply love S.

As a kid, I thought Sailor Moon was a show marketed for young girls. I doubted that it was for guys but hey, I was 11 at the time.  My mind changed once I gave the show a shot.   Man, I not only was I proven wrong, I was blown away.

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This scene also got me into Sailor Moon as a kid but that’s best saved for another post.

The first thing I noticed about S was the sci-fi aesthetics of the Death Busters.  I did not expect an element seen in more male oriented cartoons and shows in Shoujo anime.   I loved that Professor Tomoe used science and technology to combat against the Sailor Scouts’ magical powers. Hell I still love it to this day.  Science vs. Magic is a very common ass theme in fictional but when done right, it’s great.  And S did it greatly.

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Another thing I drew me into S was the depressing theme of the destruction of the world.  That was a play out of left field for younger me.  Shows I have watched prior dealt with villains wanting to simply take over the world.  There weren’t any talk about awakening an evil Messiah wiping out all humanity or killing a 12 year old girl because she was assumed to be that evil Messiah.

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Totally not a spoiler.  Trust me: I’m a dolphin.

Finally, what made S great was the the amazing soundtrack.  Honestly this is best reversed for a more in-depth analysis post but whatever (pus, I need to freewrtie for a bit lol).  This is completely biased because I am a violinist, but holy shit the orchestra and violin tracks were perfect.    Like forreal the orchestra tracks they used for the Mistress 9/Pharaoh 90 battles made me felt like I was watching an animated movie than just a simple series.

I cannot simply forget the awesomeness  that is that of the Outer Senshi theme

Or the utterly depressing piano/violin duet of Hotaru’s theme: (“Hotaru’s Sorrow ” is a fuckin’ fitting title for that girl’s theme.  Her life was incredibly fucked up)

So yea, these are just short, rather shallow reasons why I love Sailor Moon S and how it got me into the series as a whole.   I may go more in depth with these things in the near future but for right now, I just needed to clear my thoughts (and have something for the 25th Anniversary week ha ha ha)

 

 

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Was Zamasu Right (Barely Edited Freewrite)

[Please note: This was a free write that was writte during the middle of the night.  As such, there are some grammar and spelling issues.  You have been warned]

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With Lord Zeno’s plan of erasing Universes with low morality such as Universe 7 and 9, I wonder if Zamasu on to something.   I mean, Zamasu was pissed that the gods weren’t doing their jobs taking care of the shitty mortals so he took matters into his own hands.

Granted, he wasn’t allowed to do that as a Kaioshin (God of Creation) but he felt that he needed to, for the sake of justice.

It is weird though.  If Zeno wanted to take out those universes then Zamasu could had just chill and let Zeno do the dirty work.  Both had the same idea.   Take out the horrible universes with the horrible mortals.

Granted I mean Zamasu would had die as he would had gotten wipe out along with Universe 7 but  Zamasu being erased would kept the rest of the universes safe.

Hell, Zamasu may have been one of the factors of Zeno wanting to erase Universe 7.  That nigga was pretty crazy, wanting to wipe out all humanity because of a few bad mortals.  Hell, Universe 9 has a scum bag Kaioshin as well.

 

 

But maybe Zamasu was right.  Maybe he was on to something.

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Always Work on Your Craft. You Just Never Know…

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Dragon Ball Super manga artist Toyotaro. Former fan artist turned professional comic artist.

As an artist, musician, or writer, you often hear people tell you that you should always promote your craft. Always work on skills.  Always improve on your work because you never know who may be checking you out.

Having the right person enjoying your craft could lead your passion and hobby into a career or even working along side with your idol.

Dragon Ball Super manga artist Toyotaro is a prime example of this.  Toyotaro started out as a Dragon Ball manga artist.  As a doujin artist he is best known for his Dragon Ball AF doujin manga; a fan project that landed him a job with JUMP Magazine working along side with series creator Akira Toriyama.

A fan working with a series creator man.  That’s perhaps one of the greatest honor you can have that nobody can ever take away from you.

Think about it: Toyotaro had a hobby of making Dragon Ball manga.  He probably never imagined in his life that his passion and love would lead him to working with famed manga artist Akira Toriyama.  He gets paid to create art of his favorite series with the creator.

If you’re a producer keep making beats. A musician? Keep playing. A writer? Keep writing.  An artist? Keep drawing.  Keep promoting yourself and putting you works out for the world.

You really never know who may be enjoying your work.

Freewriting 0

Thanks, Son Goku! (Barely Edited Freewrite)

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Goddammit Goku…

Imagine this: Your homeboy gets you caught up in his bullshit.  You had no involvement to his actions prior but this doesn’t mean anything.  Your careless ass friend managed to drag you into their mess. If you do not get involved, the  dire consequences will impact not only him but you as well.  And it ain’t gonna be pretty.

In the recent episode 78 of Dragon Ball Super, Goku is that careless friend.  Goku manged to drag his associates, friends, and family into his bullshit.  Goku defiantly went against Beerus’ prior warning to not to remind Lord Zeno (Zen-Oh-Sama) of the Tournament of Power.
The Tournament of Power (a.k.a the Omni King All Universe Survival Tournament)  the all universe tournament hosted by Lord Zeno, king of all.  There are no rewards in this tournament sans your universe not being wiped out of existence if you’re declared victor in addition to using the Super Dragon Balls. There’s at least that.  Yay!

So, because Goku wants to fight so badly he endangered not only endanger his friends, family, and planet, this man put the existence of his universe at risk of being wiped out.

Goku, for the very first time in his life, has to take responsibility for his actions. Beerus had to threaten him  to do it of course.  Thank god for you Beerus.  Thank god for you.

Goku enlists his son Gohan and friend, Majin Buu to fight in this tournament and explains If they lose, goodbye to their  universe existence. Mr. Satan tags along but he ain’t doing shit. They ain’t too please about Goku getting them all caught up.

They ain’t the only ones you know.  You already know word got  spread quick about this tournament.  You already know you got niggas from all 12 universes who want to come after Goku.  They have to fight  not just for surivivial, but for their existence because Goku needed a good challenge.

Nigga you need your ass beat.