On My Pride, My Ego, My Ambitions, and Helping Others (Freewrite)
The other day on Facebook, I created a status about haters. I stated if you have them, you’re making moves. My homegirl, who’s incredibly infamous in her field, and have a lot of haters, replied with “YES I DO LOL!”. I asked “How can I get more haters fam!” given she’s the expert of gaining them.
She followed up with some real shit.
“Do you want my honest opinion? Your ambition isn’t that high. You have form, but no clear refinement, or clear purpose, or agenda. Set the path up for yourself to contribute something worthy of recognition towards society and the haters will come and drove. Stop practicing your trolling skills online doing nothing. Instead of trolling to seek hateres, use your social skills to improve people’s lives, and make a positive impact for both their lives, and your own.”
(The last sentence is a paraphrase, but whatever. The message is still there)
This made me think hard about myself, and my life goals hardcore.
Ever since I got back from Anime Central, my ego, arrogance levels, and pride, were growing larger. I managed to successfully run a room party with my friend (bartending the party), made new contacts, expanded my network, and managed to promote my blog and brand.
My ego was on an all-time high. I felt unstoppable, and needed to reach higher and yield more results, but just for myself, Nobody else.
Years of being the underdog, belittled, bullied, and people calling you a failure at life because you were in special education for academics weaknesses does that to your ego; make it larger after success. Sans a handful of people, who I guess saw I had more potential than what I gave myself credit for (growing up with low self-esteem issues is a bitch), people counted me out, telling me I’ll never be successful.
For years, I just let that shit bottled up inside me, trying to ignore it subconsciously. However, it manifested itself into pride, and a sort of “revenge mission” against the haters, doubters, and niggas who belittled me.
The breaking point of this was when my brother, who I haven’t talked to a year (due to his own petty bullshit) decided to randomly text me, calling me a failure, a retard, and a loser who’ll never do anything with my life. He went on to compared me to our uncle, who (in my brother words “a fucking failure”) . That shit made me berserk, and made my focus to produce more work.
I wasn’t working to make others enjoy my work. I was working to feed my ego, and stunt on this family member. I’m gonna admit something; My Sailor Moon S’s analysis and my analysis on Hitagi’s mental state were results from my anger towards this family member who was doubting my success (the last two themes of my Sailor Moon S analysis was rushed just so I could prove a point and prove this man wrong, not because I was passionate)
‘I WILL be successful and I make every last one of ya who counted me out or made me felt bad about myself regret saying all that shit.’
When my friend (and another one whom I spoke to in private) to me I could do so much more by helping others with my skills, rather than using them just feed my ego, and increase haters, it awoken something in me: The drive to help others.
I’ve known and befriended many people over the last seven years of my life. I can easily help them, and more.
Saw a friend who was upset with their family fuckin’ with them (not going into details, as that’s their busssiness), and I figure “Well, guess I better put whatever fucking skills I have to good use and help this friend out.”
Besides, I’m so used to dealing with an insecure family member’s petty bullshit. Let me use my experience with them to help my friend feel better and have a space to get out their anger. If I can make my friend feel better, and push themselves to prove their family members wrong, then I guess I’m on the right path.
Another friend was having problems letting go the past, being insecure, and confidence issues. Three fields I’m an expert in! Not going into details (because again, I don’t wanna put their business out there), but I told my friend she need to focus on herself first and foremost. Find something that she’s proud of that she done, and build confidence off that. In addition, taught her that it’s normal to have insecurities, but to also work and improve them, so she can be more secure and happy with herself.
When she told me that she was glad she was able to speak to me about those topics, that legit made me happy. Another friend is feeling better about themselves, because I helped them out.
May I say, happy others really feel good? Perhaps I really should focus on that skill, and build up my ambitions through helping.