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Tag: free write

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Closing My Eyes Until I’m 29 (Freewrite)

(WARNING: The following post contains my raw, unedited thoughts.  Therefore, you may encounter spelling and grammar errors.  Plus,  I don’t feel like editing a free foam writing post).

The past month or so has been chaotic for my creative pride.  With being active in writing, getting my side hustle off the ground, and planning out content for my YouTube channel, my ego has gone into overdrive.  I’ve grown arrogant, snapping on people who judge my passion on different Facebook group. When I see people judge my shit, my thoughts go ‘I don’t see you putting your works out for the public to see’  and ‘When was the last time you created something?’.  I’m finding myself upset that some people (who are my friends) won’t support me, but they support a stranger (in our niche).  I normally turn to a business and branding group I’m a member of for support, but despite their helpful posts, it doesn’t help for long.

In short, I’m feeling impatience about my journey (and a bit of jealousy towards others who’re doing better than me, sadly).

I turned to YouTube to see if I can find any branding influencer I follow for help.  I came across Gary Vaynerchuk’s channel in my subscription.  He has awesome materials for dealing with impatience, so I started to scroll through his channel until I saw a certain video:

(If you don’t have time to watch the video above, here are some quick notes:

1. Drown out the noise around you and just focus on you until you hit 29 (or 39, 49, etc.).
2. Impatience kills creativity.
3. Everyone who’s in their 20s with “success” hasn’t’ truly hit success in the grand scheme of things.)

I needed this.  I needed somebody to tell me that the feeling of impatience and wanting success badly are normal feelings.  Ever since I started to study about the moves I need to make, self-education, and working on me (for a better future), I have just been impatient and angry.  Impatient because I feel that I’m pouring my heart into my passion and not getting the results I want.  Angry because I wish I would have the materials and tools (that I’ve discovered at age 27-28) when I was still in high school.   If I had those tools back then, perhaps I would be in a better place right now.

Then again, there’s a saying: Better late than never.  Am I mad at myself that I started out late?  Yes.  Am I happy I started at 28?  Yes.  I’ve accepted the fact that I’m a late bloomer and everything lmfao. In any case, I need to close my eyes until I’m 29 (three weeks from now).  I figure if I limit my time on social media (only using it for networking and brand building), my mental state will improve.  I won’t be as impatient, and I stop comparing myself to others.  Drown out the noise as Gary Vee suggested in the video.

It won’t happen overnight (like success), but it’s a start.  So I’m closing my eyes until I’m 29.

 

AFTERWORD:

Sorry for the whinny ass post lmfao.  I just needed to get this off my chest do something productive with how I feeling rather than holding it in.  I promise I’ll post the weeaboo shit soon.

Art source:
https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=8390979

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I Wish I Knew How to Draw (Freewrite)

Monika’s desires in Doki Doki Literature Club are clearly rooted in jealousy.  She is merely a (self-aware) spectator who watches her (scripted) friends fall in love and live a normal school life.  Meanwhile, she cannot do anything, as she knows her role as a program.  Despite such a situation, she falls in love with the main character (more so the player) but knows she could never get with them.  Therefore, she plots against her friends – murdering them one by one – in order to trap the hero and force them to love her.

screenshot0085

As I play DDLC and see Monika’s growth as a jealous villain, I’m reminded of another character that was driven by jealousy and love: Kain of Final Fantasy 4.  Like Monika, Kain grew jealous of his friend (Cecil) over the fact that Cecil was in a relationship with the heroine, Rosa. Kain was in (unrequited) love with her.  Kain grew hatred towards Cecil; plotting to kill him to get with Rosa. Kain failed, however (as his emotions were manipulative by the game’s villain).

 

FINAL_FANTASY_IV_Artwork_5
Kain Simpwind

 

“Monika is like Kain.  Fuck I wish I knew how to draw.”  I told myself as I reached Monika’s villain reveal in DDLC.  As she explains her reasoning behind her action, I started to imagine if I had visual artistic talents how I would draw Monika as Kain.  Have her in Kain’s Draagoon armor and her holding a lance (with the tip coated in green to symbolize her jealous nature).

Monika Highwind.  I think that could work.

For years, I had this wish that I could draw.  I used to be envious of my friends who could draw.  Our friends would surround the artist of the group as they reveal their last work. I played the violin, but you couldn’t just whip out a violin in the middle of class and play it.  So I wasn’t able to showcase my talents.  I tried my hand at drawing and even asking my artistic “friend” for help.  He just laughed and told me I’d never become a great artist.  Sadly,I took that to heart and quit drawing ever since (gotta love toxic friends).

As the years gone by, I regretted not sticking with improving my visual art skills.  Yea, I would have suck back in 2004, but in 2018? Perhaps I could done something fantastic with my skills.  Right now, I’m kicking myself for listening to said “friend”.  For those who don’t know, I’m working on re-hacking a Fire Emblem 4 romhack that uses Touhou characters.

As I’m testing the hack, I’m having visions of the action in-game.  I want to draw these visions.  Visions of Reimu and Sigurd having a friendly chat.  Marisa crying as Alice is struck down dead.  Kaguya and Mokou attempting to kill each other with their respective Holy Weapons.  Plus, it’ll make for great promotion for the romhack.

If there is something you’ve been wishing you could be doing, don’t delay.  Get on that shit today.  Don’t let others discourage you from taking action.  If you ask your talented friend for advice and they just belittle you, end that friendship right then and there.  They mean you no good and they do not wish for your success at all.

Just things I wish I would have known when I was younger.