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Tag: raw thoughts

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Closing My Eyes Until I’m 29 (Freewrite)

(WARNING: The following post contains my raw, unedited thoughts.  Therefore, you may encounter spelling and grammar errors.  Plus,  I don’t feel like editing a free foam writing post).

The past month or so has been chaotic for my creative pride.  With being active in writing, getting my side hustle off the ground, and planning out content for my YouTube channel, my ego has gone into overdrive.  I’ve grown arrogant, snapping on people who judge my passion on different Facebook group. When I see people judge my shit, my thoughts go ‘I don’t see you putting your works out for the public to see’  and ‘When was the last time you created something?’.  I’m finding myself upset that some people (who are my friends) won’t support me, but they support a stranger (in our niche).  I normally turn to a business and branding group I’m a member of for support, but despite their helpful posts, it doesn’t help for long.

In short, I’m feeling impatience about my journey (and a bit of jealousy towards others who’re doing better than me, sadly).

I turned to YouTube to see if I can find any branding influencer I follow for help.  I came across Gary Vaynerchuk’s channel in my subscription.  He has awesome materials for dealing with impatience, so I started to scroll through his channel until I saw a certain video:

(If you don’t have time to watch the video above, here are some quick notes:

1. Drown out the noise around you and just focus on you until you hit 29 (or 39, 49, etc.).
2. Impatience kills creativity.
3. Everyone who’s in their 20s with “success” hasn’t’ truly hit success in the grand scheme of things.)

I needed this.  I needed somebody to tell me that the feeling of impatience and wanting success badly are normal feelings.  Ever since I started to study about the moves I need to make, self-education, and working on me (for a better future), I have just been impatient and angry.  Impatient because I feel that I’m pouring my heart into my passion and not getting the results I want.  Angry because I wish I would have the materials and tools (that I’ve discovered at age 27-28) when I was still in high school.   If I had those tools back then, perhaps I would be in a better place right now.

Then again, there’s a saying: Better late than never.  Am I mad at myself that I started out late?  Yes.  Am I happy I started at 28?  Yes.  I’ve accepted the fact that I’m a late bloomer and everything lmfao. In any case, I need to close my eyes until I’m 29 (three weeks from now).  I figure if I limit my time on social media (only using it for networking and brand building), my mental state will improve.  I won’t be as impatient, and I stop comparing myself to others.  Drown out the noise as Gary Vee suggested in the video.

It won’t happen overnight (like success), but it’s a start.  So I’m closing my eyes until I’m 29.

 

AFTERWORD:

Sorry for the whinny ass post lmfao.  I just needed to get this off my chest do something productive with how I feeling rather than holding it in.  I promise I’ll post the weeaboo shit soon.

Art source:
https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=8390979

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I Wish I Knew How to Draw (Freewrite)

Monika’s desires in Doki Doki Literature Club are clearly rooted in jealousy.  She is merely a (self-aware) spectator who watches her (scripted) friends fall in love and live a normal school life.  Meanwhile, she cannot do anything, as she knows her role as a program.  Despite such a situation, she falls in love with the main character (more so the player) but knows she could never get with them.  Therefore, she plots against her friends – murdering them one by one – in order to trap the hero and force them to love her.

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As I play DDLC and see Monika’s growth as a jealous villain, I’m reminded of another character that was driven by jealousy and love: Kain of Final Fantasy 4.  Like Monika, Kain grew jealous of his friend (Cecil) over the fact that Cecil was in a relationship with the heroine, Rosa. Kain was in (unrequited) love with her.  Kain grew hatred towards Cecil; plotting to kill him to get with Rosa. Kain failed, however (as his emotions were manipulative by the game’s villain).

 

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Kain Simpwind

 

“Monika is like Kain.  Fuck I wish I knew how to draw.”  I told myself as I reached Monika’s villain reveal in DDLC.  As she explains her reasoning behind her action, I started to imagine if I had visual artistic talents how I would draw Monika as Kain.  Have her in Kain’s Draagoon armor and her holding a lance (with the tip coated in green to symbolize her jealous nature).

Monika Highwind.  I think that could work.

For years, I had this wish that I could draw.  I used to be envious of my friends who could draw.  Our friends would surround the artist of the group as they reveal their last work. I played the violin, but you couldn’t just whip out a violin in the middle of class and play it.  So I wasn’t able to showcase my talents.  I tried my hand at drawing and even asking my artistic “friend” for help.  He just laughed and told me I’d never become a great artist.  Sadly,I took that to heart and quit drawing ever since (gotta love toxic friends).

As the years gone by, I regretted not sticking with improving my visual art skills.  Yea, I would have suck back in 2004, but in 2018? Perhaps I could done something fantastic with my skills.  Right now, I’m kicking myself for listening to said “friend”.  For those who don’t know, I’m working on re-hacking a Fire Emblem 4 romhack that uses Touhou characters.

As I’m testing the hack, I’m having visions of the action in-game.  I want to draw these visions.  Visions of Reimu and Sigurd having a friendly chat.  Marisa crying as Alice is struck down dead.  Kaguya and Mokou attempting to kill each other with their respective Holy Weapons.  Plus, it’ll make for great promotion for the romhack.

If there is something you’ve been wishing you could be doing, don’t delay.  Get on that shit today.  Don’t let others discourage you from taking action.  If you ask your talented friend for advice and they just belittle you, end that friendship right then and there.  They mean you no good and they do not wish for your success at all.

Just things I wish I would have known when I was younger.

 

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Higurashi no Naku Koro ni – Raw Thoughts Pt 2.

August 10th, 2017 marked the 15th anniversary of the hit visual novel series “Higurashi no Naku Koro ni”.  Higurashi no Naku Koro ni was adapted into  a successful animated series by Studio Deen in 2006 – setting the standard for horror anime which many series have tried and failed to emulate since.  In reflection and celebration of the series 15th anniversary, I will be providing my raw, unedited thoughts of the anime throughout the month of August.  I hope you’ll enjoy! 

WARNING:
Before I start I want to make it clear that this raw freewrite touch upon sensitive subjects such as child abuse and molestation.  There are also manga/comics scans below with gore and abuse. If you’re not comfortable with those things then please,  turn back now.  Check out some other contents on my website instead!

If you’re still here then that means you’re okay with reading about such topics and seeing the scans below.

During my first run through of the Higurashi  anime and manga back in 2009 I realized this: Higurashi was (and still is) that real shit.  I mean yea, it has that moe bullshit and slice of life elements to it,  but when you analyze and dissect how the series play with those elements,  it works well for the themes of Higurashi and it characters.  Themes such as child abuse, mental health, and (childhood) trauma.

Let’s take say Satoko for example.  Satoko is the typical (annoying) moe little sister type character in anime, right?  She’s a bit of a brat, a prankster, and an overall energetic child who seems happy to everyone who knows her.

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Satoko and her smugness.

Yet, she has an incredibly fucked up life; resulted from a series of tragic events that no child should experience.

 

Deranged (from the Hinamizawa Syndrome), she pushed her parents to their deaths from an observation deck.  She was abused (both physically and possibly sexually as it was hinted in the Nintendo DS remakes of the VNs) by her uncle Teppei who downright hates her.  Her family were the subject of hatred from the villagers of Hinamizawa (due to her late parents supporting the government’s attempts of flooding the village).  Her beloved brother, Satoshi, disappeared, leaving her without any supporting and loving family members.

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Fuck Teppei. 

The horrific events of her life would eventually take its toll on her mental health. Overtime, Satoko withdrew herself from her friends and club activities – believing she’s a burden on everyone.  In one incident, Satoko had a meltdown during class.  Keiichi’s seemly innocent gesture of  patting Satoko on her the head to cheer her up triggered a flashback of Satoshi doing the same.  Satoko violently shoved Keiichi across the classroom, blanks out, and starts to vomit.  After that, she tells everyone “I’m sorry” repeatedly while crying.

Nobody (sans her best friend Rika I’m assuming) knew she was struggling mentality (as far as I know).  Everyone thought she was doing (somewhat) okay with her cheerful, playful attitude that  she showing  everyone in school.   No one forreal knew she was suffering hardcore, she was  stressed out, that her happiness was just a mask for her pain.

‘Now if there’s a smile on my face
It’s only there trying to fool the public’
‘Now if I appear to be carefree
It’s only to camouflage my sadness

-“Tears of a Clown” by Smokey Robbison

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Since I’m on the topic of playful blonde characters who’re lowkey insane, Miyo Takano is another Higurashi character who appears they’re okay but deep down, she just as fucked up in the head like Satoko if not worse.   Like Satoko, Miyo lost her parents at a young age (from a train accident, and she witnessed her father bloodied and dying in the ER), leaving her orphaned.  She was adopted  by a government sponsored orphanage where she experienced extreme abuse from the so called “care-givers.

She was constantly beaten, saw children her age die from abused, forced to watch her friend’s remains consumed by chicken, and was forced to clean the bottom of an outhouse with her mouth.

The physical and psychological abuse she suffered would be one of two causes of her insanity which in turn would lead to one of the biggest tragic events later on in the series.

The second cause came after she was rescued from the orphanage by her dad’s mentor,  Hifumi.  Hifumi wanted to become God-like through his research of the Hinamizawa Syndrome.  One day, Hifumi presented his research, findings theories to fellow doctors and researchers – whom all mocked his work.  Miyo watched as  Hifumi’s peers mocking him, pissing her off. She believed in her beloved “grandfather” findings, watch him pour his soul into countless, sleepless hours of hard work, and not only encouraged him to continue despite the criticism, but she pushed herself to study as well.

After Hifumi passed away, Miyo continue where her grandfather left off.  in hopes of not only proving his theories correct, but also to prove themselves as gods.

Miyo’s God complex, in combination of her insanity from being abused as a child,  led to Great Hinamizawa Disaster – the massacre of 2,000 plus innocent people.  Miyo led a military force in slaughtering the Hinimizawa villagers, with six of the villagers were people she executed herself.  Six people she personally knew and befriended.

All of this, just because she wanted people to respect her and her grandfather.  Just because she wanted to become a God.

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‘I can tell you why people go insane’
-“Shadow of the Sun” by Chris Cornell and Audioslave

AFTERWORD:
The Umineko 10th Anniversary is coming soon.  May tie in Pt. 3 of my raw thoughts on Higurashi with that series.   Also I lied this wasn’t completely raw and unedited I had to change some things about Miyo given it wasn’t consistent with what I saw in the anime and manga.